I thought the anxiety levels were normal. I mean, who doesn’t need a beer before socializing with certain people to calm their nerves? That’s totally normal and kosher, right? The more I analyze triggers, the more overwhelming they seem. Maybe it’s because I’ve avoided dealing with them for so long. Or maybe because I thought deflection and avoidance were keys to success. But i guess that doesn’t work long term. It’s become habit to self sabotage, deflect, and make jokes before dealing with emotions. And i’m such an unbelievable pro at it, sometimes it’s even a little concerning just how good I am at it. But maybe, even with all this self sabotage and deflection, I’m still worth it. I’m still worth something, even without a touch of Maybelline.
I don’t know what to do with all these feelings. I didn’t necessarily like it better when I was numb and avoided anything. But i knew what to do. It was familiar and comfortable even. I knew what to expect. Being numb is easy. It’s everything I knew for close to 20 years and I’m damn good at it. Maybe that’s the experience talking or the underlying triggers I haven’t avoided yet.
But I do know that even with the scars, the commitment issues, and the like, I’ve still made it this far. I’ve still made something, no matter how slight, of myself. And though I’m absolutely terrified to see where this journey takes me, I’m really actually excited to see where real, honest to Jesus healing takes me. Because even though being numb is comfortable, i think my body is finally demanding some answers. And scar tissue only lasts so long.